Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
