I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
