I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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