i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
