After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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