his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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