I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I need to align my fucking chakras
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
