The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
