please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
