3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
