they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize