I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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