Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
