I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
