Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
