i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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