i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
