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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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