Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize