What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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