I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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