turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
