I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
