My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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