I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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