I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
