New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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