Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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