I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
