My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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