So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize