my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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