just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
