I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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