i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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