Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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