please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
