I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
