dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
