I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
