I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
