Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
