i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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