I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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