What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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