the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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