why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
