She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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