You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
