What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
