It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
