I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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