tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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