So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize