Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
