Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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