i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
