Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
