The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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