there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry about my life...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize