i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
