you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize