Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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