I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
