Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
