turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
