You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize