i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
only if we run a train.
done.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
